I Am Terrified About My Future - And That's Okay
Life is about change. You can't ignore it. You can't avoid it. As the saying goes, "can't go over it. Can't go under it. Have to go through it." And go through it I have. Recently, life has been a matter of setting myself up for the future. Namely, I finished applying for Teacher's College. I have applied to six different schools in two different countries. Each time I pressed the submit button, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Now my future is in the hands of people I don't know. I'm questioning everything. I've know that I wanted to be a teacher since I was eight years old, but is that enough? Does my passion come across on paper? Have my experiences been enough? Am I good enough for this? Everyone I know tells me I would be a good teacher. Even people I don't know like Aquafitters and random acquaintances have pinpointed the characteristics that would make me a good teacher. However, the people that are deciding my future don't know me. They don't know how much I love teaching. They don't know how much strength and energy I draw from it. Are these institutions going to see that in me?
There's another major element in this. I have applied in two different countries. I have applied in Canada, and I have applied in England. Both of these options have major positives and negatives. Choosing one over another closes doors. It may alter the most important relationships I have in my life. I find myself worried that whatever decision I choose to make will result in some not so pleasant consequences. I know what I want to do. I know what my ideal situation is. In that ideal, I don't have loved ones that are disappointed in me. At the moment, I feel like if I choose to do what I want to do, then I will become a disappointment. I don't know if I can live with that. Both choices will put strain on relationships. Both choices will result in sacrifices. Both choices will result in a period of unhappiness. I'm concerned that the choices I make will alter relationships as I know them. I was listening to a podcast a while ago where Josh Radnor from How I Met Your Mother said something along the lines of "the decisions I make now are all shouldered from the decisions I made at that point in my life." Well, I am at that point in my life. This feels like a lot of pressure.
Here is what I need to remember: I cannot live my life to make other people happy. My loved ones will love me no matter what. I have to worry about one thing at a time. I will become a teacher. It is okay to be scared. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. For anyone else who is getting ready to graduate, you need to know that you're not alone. I was in a conversation with my dad about this a while ago. He has his own hesitations about what is to come for me. However, he told me this is an exciting time. I have some really cool opportunities ahead of me. I had a friend once who was nervous about going on exchange. I told her it's daunting in the beginning, but all you have to do is put your big girl pants on, take a deep breath, and do it. And that is what I shall do.
P.S. I wrote this in a very difficult time. I am now in a completely different position from where I was when I wrote this. Lesson learned: there is hope.