Real, Not Ideal

                 Around this time last year, I wrote a blog post about my one-word theme. Last year, my word was move. On reflection, I didn’t think I did this. The thing I was the most excited about when I set this theme was being able to do exercise again. And to be fair, I did do that – it just wasn’t as much as I thought I was going to do after not being able to move for about a year due to my knee injury.   I’ve been feeling disappointed that I let myself down. Then, I started looking at it in a different way and realized that I did a lot more movement that I had initially thought. I moved jobs. I was in Adult Education last year and while I know I was put in that role to be in some people’s lives and I learned a lot, it just wasn’t for me. I’m back in high school, and I am feeling so much more fulfilled. I moved into my own house. This is a HUGE accomplishment from 2022. To be able to own a home at my age, in the mar...

 I think the word “should” is my enemy. In my vulnerable moments, this is where I start those spirals.                 I should be able to find balance . . .                 I should be able to handle this . . .                 I should feel like I’m more prepared . . .                 I should be making more time for myself . . .                 I should be spending more time with the people I love . . .                 I should reach out to that person . . .            ...

               I find myself tearing up a lot. I can watch a movie knowing exactly what happens and when but still end up a sobbing mess. There are quite a few songs that I cannot listen to while I’m driving because my vision will quickly become obscured by tears. Voting makes me emotional because I think about the women preceding me that would be overjoyed that I can cast a ballot. I also think about the fact that my own grandmother couldn’t vote because she was Indigenous. When a friend tells me something exciting in their life, my heart and eyes swell with pride. Sometimes, thinking about a happy memory makes me tear up out of pure nostalgia. You see, I’m a sensitive person who has a great capacity for empathy. I feel deeply. My sense of connection and loyalty to the people around me opens me up to crescendos of emotion. Whether it’s my students, my family, or my friends, I feel those feelings as if they are my own. Their sto...

            I’ve been thinking a lot about the situation I was in last year. My knee injury threw me for a complete loop, and it was the beginning of a series of months that led me to being stuck physically, mentally, and emotionally. Luckily, I’m out of that, and it’s thanks to me. Everyone is always first to thank family, friends, and other support systems, and I’m obviously grateful for all of those people, but ultimately, I got myself through it all. I saw my surgeon just over a week ago, and the first thing the trainee doctor said to me was that he loved my positive attitude. When I found out I was having surgery, I promised myself that I would do everything I could to maintain that. You see, my surgery date came so quickly that I didn’t have time to process what the next few months of recovery were going to look like. As a result, I just made up my mind that I was going to heal. The day I had surgery, I started physio and then didn’t stop f...

 I’ve been having a lot of nightmares recently. This isn’t abnormal for me. The week before my surgery, I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs. I don’t remember what the dream was, but it surely was due to the fact that I found out I was going to have surgery in a week and a half. I’ve had nightmares since I was a kid. My dad tells me a regret he has is that he didn’t write down my nightmares. They were full stories with vivid twists and turns. It’s probably why I don’t sleep well. The thing about all of my dreams is that they are hyper-realistic. My brain holds so much detail from real life and regurgitates it all back to me at night. I often wake up from dreams with a warped sense of reality. Did that happen or not? If I’m worried about something or starting a new job, I will have a nightmare about it. Anything that is the cause of an underlying sense of anxiousness in the daytime will play out through a nightmare. I feel like so much of my daytime energy is spent ...

                      I’m not very good at being gentle with myself. In the moments where I (wrongly) feel like I’ve disappointed other people, I am in my head going over every action and word I could have done and said differently. I will spin things out, making me my own villain every time.                 I’ve had myself convinced that I’m a bad friend, I’m a failure as a human being, a sorry excuse for an adult, a terrible teacher, and a daughter to be ashamed of. It is so horrible to see that written down, but I think it actually helps. I am not those things.                 Thoughts like those don’t just go away. It’s not as simple as “think positive” or “just think the opposite.” Sticky notes with mantras on my mirror aren’t going to help me. This is beyond self-c...

 A conversation you hear a lot is about surrounding yourself with people that will make you better. “You’re a mix of the five people you’re closest to” and “be the least intelligent in the room” are aims we’re told to live by. I have an amazing support system. My parents are incredible, my sister is my favourite person, Matt is my perfect balance, and my closest friends have stuck with me despite moving many times. However, some of the people that have made the biggest difference in my life are ones that I call my cheerleaders. These are the people who don’t play a massive role in your life. They’re on the outside of your inner circle, but you know they’re in your corner no matter what. Let me go through some examples. I’ve been going to my hairdresser for a long time now. She has seen me through some massive stages of my life. She knew me before Matt, she has met friends that are no longer in my life, and she has shared in my joy over starting my career. She knows me so we...

                 I was texting one of my friends this week and she said, “I feel like 2022 is going to be your year.” She might be right. I mean, so far so good. It’s eight days in, and I feel significantly better than I have in a while. A mixture of sleep over the holidays, a much-needed breakdown, and permission from my surgeon to do light exercise again has allowed me to enter this year with a lot more acceptance of where I’m at and motivation to get better.                 One of my favourite podcasts is Happier with Gretchen Rubin. Every year, her and her sister pick a one word them for the year. It’s never something I participated in in the past, but then came Yoga with Adriene’s 30 Day Yoga Journey.                 This year’s theme? Move. For some reason, this spoke to me. This year, I want to move.    ...

When I thought about writing this post, I thought about how to best show off my year. I wanted to do 21 things I did in 2021, but something about that feels off.  In all honesty, last year was hard for me. I told Matt this recently, and he was under the assumption that 2020 would have been worse. It wasn't.  Around this time last year, I was waiting to start therapy back up again. I was already in an emotional strained place. In February, I got injured. I lost all of my coping strategies. I was in pain, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't clean my room, and I couldn't ski. I didn't realize it until I was out of it, but it drove me into a five-month depressive episode.  I should have seen the signs. I had no motivation to do anything. I couldn't read, and I wasn't journaling - even when I started to feel better.  Fast forward to June, and my knee wasn't getting better. Then, I find out the extent to which I was actually injured and have to deal with that.  I...

                 One of my favourite posts I’ve ever written on here is the one where I wrote a love letter to each of my closest female friends. Friendship is something that means a lot to me. I haven’t always had friends in my life, and it’s not something I take for granted.                 Ultimately, I need my friends. They make be better. They inspire me. They show me how to live my life in different ways. I have made so many friends in different circumstances, and I am eternally grateful for all of them.                 I certainly haven’t made it easy to be friends with me. Moving to a different continent will most definitely challenge friendships. However, I’ve had friends visit me in England, keep me up to date on their lives sporadically, and stay strong with virtual wine nig...

 There are two days left until school starts, and I fully admit that I am not ready. I woke up early for a PD day on Thursday, and BOY was it a shock to my system. I also haven’t been in a classroom since March, and it feels intimidating to have to start in a new school. It feels like Grade 9 all over again! I’m starting this year on a long-term supply which I am entirely grateful for. However, this was not the case a year ago (or even two weeks ago). I’m from Ontario where permanent teaching jobs are few and far between. I’ll get there, but for now, I’m happy to have a job teaching English for a couple months. If you’re in the same position as me, I have some advice for you based on my experiences from last year. Enjoy! 1.        Network, network, network. Way back in the summer of August 2020, my dad kept telling me and my sister about networking. We joked that it was the word of week for a while. As it turns out, he was 100% correct. Because...

  Looking back at my last goals update , it is interesting to see where I’ve been in this year. I can’t really say it’s been the best year can I? This injury – and subsequent surgery – have affected my life in a lot of different ways. I’ll trust you to read my previous goals update posts from the year to see what I’ve been going through, but I can say that I’m in a totally different spot now. The surgery took away my ability to do things on my own. These days, being able to make myself my own coffee has been the biggest deal. I’m aching for the days I can make my own meal again. That being said, I recognized my need for more structure last week. I’m working on doing the things that have helped me in the past. Journaling, meditation, movement, and learning Italian have been tasks that motivate me and help me stay grounded. As well, I need to be doing my physio three times a day so I can recover, so that is important to me. I want to write blog posts a little every day so I don’...

 Hello everyone! As I mentioned last week , I am back after taking some time off after my knee surgery. Before I went into surgery and recovery, I watched a few videos from people who have been through it to see what their recovery was like. I figured I would write this post with a few tips that helped me through this first month of recovery. I briefly mentioned my initial injury a while ago, but I didn’t know the extent of my injury at that point. I completely tore my ACL (which is the thing that stabilizes your knee) and had a complex tear in my meniscus (the thing in between your knee joints to stop it from grinding). My surgery was for an ACL reconstruction and meniscus repair. Because of the meniscus repair, it is going to take a long time to heal fully. I am on crutches for the rest of the summer and into the beginning of September. For a full recovery, it is going to be about a year. I can do a week by week process of my recovery is anyone is curious, so please let me...

 Hello everyone and happy official summer! I am glad to say I am back after recovering from my knee surgery. I’m not entirely recovered yet (it will take about a year to fully recover), but I’m definitely on the right track at the moment. More on that coming soon. I figured I would just show you guys some pictures from the past month from what I’ve been doing (other than recover). I feel like this one really sums up the first couple weeks. My dad brought my bed downstairs, and I barely moved from this room. All my meals were brought to me, but the nice thing is that I got to have lunch with my dad every day! I spent this month doing an online course  for another teaching subject qualification. I am grateful I had it because it kept me going and killed a few hours of time every day. This is the first time I put makeup on and wore something other than sweat shorts and a baggy t-shirt! My friend is getting married in less than a week, and due to my lack of mobility, I was...

I will be taking a break from the blog for an unknown amount of time. I will be having surgery in a week, and I need time to process and heal. I will still attempt to do #booktalktuesday on Instagram, so keep up with me there. -           Daniella

 To my sister, To the outside world, we are fundamentally different. You’re the one who prefers staying in, getting up early to be productive, and running for actual fun. You can’t sit through a movie, you hate physical affection, and love your bed more than anything in the world. We’re opposites in every way. Yet, you’re my other half. You’re the one that makes me laugh more than anyone, the one that makes me strive to be better more than anyone else, and the one that has been there for me more than anyone else. You’ve worked harder than anyone I know to get to where you are now. Your tunnel vision when it comes to your goals is to be admired. When you set your mind to something, you will work the hardest to make sure you get there. You’re the most loving person I know. You may not show us with loving words, daily hugs, and bringing us a fork when you get yourself one but with thoughtful gifts, well-curated TikToks sent to us, and Spotify playlists for every situation. I...

  I’ve been thinking about flexibility a lot lately. My mom told me that I was always a stubborn child that did not like change. She helped me change my room around regularly to help me learn how to become more flexible. I learned how to be flexible thorough every job I’ve had. Whether it was lifeguarding or teaching my first few years , I’ve learned how to be flexible through that in order to meet the demands of the job. I was flexible when I did my exchange , then again when I moved to Wales and then again when I moved back to Leeds. I’m past a year since I moved back home , and the past year has been filled with a ton of flexibility with finding a new job and dealing with working from home. This past year has been challenging. I recognize that I’ve been lucky in this pandemic, but that doesn’t mean it has been easy. We’re not through this yet, and being able to be flexible about the ways I teach has been a massive learning opportunity. I’ve written about being rele...

 Hello everyone! This is going to be more of a general update since I’m pretty much back where I was since the last goals update. By the end of January, I was actually doing very well. I had a great schedule and routine that worked well for me. Then, I got injured in February. It ended up being a dislocated kneecap and avulsion fracture. For a while, my coping skills were taken away from me. I was in pain and not sleeping, not able to walk to clear my head or exercise to get the tension out. Honestly, I went into a low-motivation slump for a few months which was only exacerbated by lockdowns, Visa paperwork, job stress, and more lockdowns. After a re-buckling incident, I’m being sent for an MRI which is in a few weeks, and I’ll know if there’s anything more serious going on. I’m incredibly grateful for physio and the Sports Clinic in my city that was able to treat me quickly and effectively. The other good news is that I woke up a couple weeks ago feeling like myself again. ...

       I think that (too long) title says it all. Working from home can be so tough for those of us who are not as inclined to stay focused in a home environment. I mean, I specifically stay at work so I can get my work done after school and be done with it when I get home. Now, I’m working from home like a lot of others right now. It has been only a few weeks, and there have been a lot of adaptations I’ve had to make. It has been a huuuuuge learning curve for me. Here are a few tips that have really helped me. 1.       Plan your day hour by hour. At the end of the day, I take the time to plan things out. I’m very busy with two jobs, so this allows me to fill my limited space with things like my goals and snacks in between shifts. I also find that doing things by the hour gives me the flexibility to move things around if I need to. 2.       Be sure to schedule in walking time. I just heard a quote that said...

  I’ve had a hard week. The teacher that was my reason for everything died in the past week. I’m okay. I’m getting through it. I have felt numb and heavy and so sad and I finally feel a little okay today. To be honest, I’ve been dealing with grief in a lot of different formats. I figuratively lost a friend last year which has been a very difficult process. One of my closest friends moved away this week. Basically, everything came to a head this week. I’m not an expert at all. I’m lucky enough to say that this kind of really painful grief is relatively new to me. However, I thought I would share a few small things that have helped me. 1.       Be gentle with yourself. I’ve watched a lot of Netflix in my evenings. I normally spend time with my sister and talk and laugh and get social. This week, I was gentle. I let myself hold these soft moments without guilt that I was wasting time. 2.       Keep spaces where the grief does n...