Life is about change. You can't ignore it.
You can't avoid it. As the saying goes, "can't go over it. Can't go under
it. Have to go through it." And go through it I have. Recently, life has
been a matter of setting myself up for the future. Namely, I finished applying
for Teacher's College. I have applied to six different schools in two different
countries. Each time I pressed the submit button, I felt like I couldn't
breathe. Now my future is in the hands of people I don't know. I'm questioning
everything. I've know that I wanted to be a teacher since I was eight years
old, but is that enough? Does my passion come across on paper? Have my
experiences been enough? Am I good enough for this? Everyone I know tells me I
would be a good teacher. Even people I don't know like Aquafitters and random
acquaintances have pinpointed the characteristics that would make me a good
teacher. However, the people that are deciding my future don't know me. They
don't know how much I love teaching. They don't know how much strength and
energy I draw from it. Are these institutions going to see that in me?
There's another major element in this. I
have applied in two different countries. I have applied in Canada, and I have
applied in England. Both of these options have major positives and negatives.
Choosing one over another closes doors. It may alter the most important
relationships I have in my life. I find myself worried that whatever decision I
choose to make will result in some not so pleasant consequences. I know what I
want to do. I know what my ideal situation is. In that ideal, I don't have
loved ones that are disappointed in me. At the moment, I feel like if I choose
to do what I want to do, then I will become a disappointment. I don't know if I
can live with that. Both choices will put strain on relationships. Both choices
will result in sacrifices. Both choices will result in a period of unhappiness.
I'm concerned that the choices I make will alter relationships as I know them.
I was listening to a podcast a while ago where Josh Radnor from How I Met Your
Mother said something along the lines of "the decisions I make now are all
shouldered from the decisions I made at that point in my life." Well, I am
at that point in my life. This feels like a lot of pressure.
Here is what I need to remember: I cannot
live my life to make other people happy. My loved ones will love me no matter
what. I have to worry about one thing at a time. I will become a teacher. It is
okay to be scared. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. For anyone
else who is getting ready to graduate, you need to know that you're not alone.
I was in a conversation with my dad about this a while ago. He has his own
hesitations about what is to come for me. However, he told me this is an
exciting time. I have some really cool opportunities ahead of me. I had a
friend once who was nervous about going on exchange. I told her it's daunting
in the beginning, but all you have to do is put your big girl pants on, take a
deep breath, and do it. And that is what I shall do.
Daniella
P.S. I wrote this in a very difficult time. I am now in a completely different position from where I was when I wrote this. Lesson learned: there is hope.
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