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Being Gentle

                 I’m not very good at being gentle with myself. In the moments where I (wrongly) feel like I’ve disappointed other people, I am in my head going over every action and word I could have done and said differently. I will spin things out, making me my own villain every time.

                I’ve had myself convinced that I’m a bad friend, I’m a failure as a human being, a sorry excuse for an adult, a terrible teacher, and a daughter to be ashamed of. It is so horrible to see that written down, but I think it actually helps. I am not those things.

                Thoughts like those don’t just go away. It’s not as simple as “think positive” or “just think the opposite.” Sticky notes with mantras on my mirror aren’t going to help me. This is beyond self-care baths and face masks. It’s going to take a lot of work to undo those deeply-rooted beliefs about myself.

What I’m working on in therapy is self-compassion. At the moment, I find it difficult to recognize when I’m acting out of self-compassion. I know I am a highly compassionate person to my students and to my friends, but I don’t see it when I reflect that back to myself. I genuinely don’t know where to start when it comes to taking care of myself. I can’t begin to list my acts of self-compassion, because I don’t know what that means . . . yet.

Right now, I’m focusing on when people are compassionate towards me. If I can recognize that, then maybe I can start to mimic that towards myself.

I don’t want this to be sad. I get so much out of being compassionate to other people, and I am surrounded by people who are compassionate themselves. However, I think this is more common than people may think. I think a lot of people hold truths about themselves that they cognitively know aren’t true but can’t undo with logic.

My message: I’m with you. I understand.

Like I said, I’m working on this in therapy. I’m working on being less judgemental and more understanding. I want to cultivate a self-compassion practice, but I don’t know where to start. If you’re someone who has this aspect of their life figured out, then please let me know.

-          Daniella

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