Real, Not Ideal

                 Around this time last year, I wrote a blog post about my one-word theme. Last year, my word was move. On reflection, I didn’t think I did this. The thing I was the most excited about when I set this theme was being able to do exercise again. And to be fair, I did do that – it just wasn’t as much as I thought I was going to do after not being able to move for about a year due to my knee injury.   I’ve been feeling disappointed that I let myself down. Then, I started looking at it in a different way and realized that I did a lot more movement that I had initially thought. I moved jobs. I was in Adult Education last year and while I know I was put in that role to be in some people’s lives and I learned a lot, it just wasn’t for me. I’m back in high school, and I am feeling so much more fulfilled. I moved into my own house. This is a HUGE accomplishment from 2022. To be able to own a home at my age, in the mar...

 I think the word “should” is my enemy. In my vulnerable moments, this is where I start those spirals.                 I should be able to find balance . . .                 I should be able to handle this . . .                 I should feel like I’m more prepared . . .                 I should be making more time for myself . . .                 I should be spending more time with the people I love . . .                 I should reach out to that person . . .            ...

               I find myself tearing up a lot. I can watch a movie knowing exactly what happens and when but still end up a sobbing mess. There are quite a few songs that I cannot listen to while I’m driving because my vision will quickly become obscured by tears. Voting makes me emotional because I think about the women preceding me that would be overjoyed that I can cast a ballot. I also think about the fact that my own grandmother couldn’t vote because she was Indigenous. When a friend tells me something exciting in their life, my heart and eyes swell with pride. Sometimes, thinking about a happy memory makes me tear up out of pure nostalgia. You see, I’m a sensitive person who has a great capacity for empathy. I feel deeply. My sense of connection and loyalty to the people around me opens me up to crescendos of emotion. Whether it’s my students, my family, or my friends, I feel those feelings as if they are my own. Their sto...

 Another couple months down, and I’ve read 22 books so far this year. Something I’ve realized is that when I’m not in a good place mentally, I cannot focus on reading. All of last year, I struggled to get stuck into reading. Even when I was recovering from surgery, I just couldn’t focus. Having that realization has made me understand just how far I’ve come and how much I feel like myself again. The number of books I’ve read may seem insignificant to someone else but to me, it means a lot. Shades of Grey – Jasper Fforde – 4 Stars I cannot believe it took me so long to finish this book. I started and stopped reading it so many times, but I was utterly hooked this time around. One of my friends anxiously awaited my finishing it because she wanted to talk about it so badly. This is such an interesting post-apocalyptic type novel. In this world, division of society is based on colour. The politics involved with this is astounding, and I found myself drawing parallels to society toda...

            I’ve been thinking a lot about the situation I was in last year. My knee injury threw me for a complete loop, and it was the beginning of a series of months that led me to being stuck physically, mentally, and emotionally. Luckily, I’m out of that, and it’s thanks to me. Everyone is always first to thank family, friends, and other support systems, and I’m obviously grateful for all of those people, but ultimately, I got myself through it all. I saw my surgeon just over a week ago, and the first thing the trainee doctor said to me was that he loved my positive attitude. When I found out I was having surgery, I promised myself that I would do everything I could to maintain that. You see, my surgery date came so quickly that I didn’t have time to process what the next few months of recovery were going to look like. As a result, I just made up my mind that I was going to heal. The day I had surgery, I started physio and then didn’t stop f...

                 Hello everyone! It has been so long since I wrote one of these, so these are the full reviews of January and February’s books. A Man Called Ove – Fredrick Backman – 4.5 Stars I adored this book. I finished it late into the night with tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect ending for this story. It is a heart-wrenching tale of grief and belonging mixed with humour and a reminder that our parted loved ones are never too far away. The character of Ove is, on the surface, a gruff and miserable man who wants nothing more than to be alone. Through the background flashbacks and his reluctant relationships with the people around him, readers realize the depth of Ove’s compassion and need for companionship. The way the story is written is fantastic. Ove’s life is slowly unfolded in such a tailored way which makes the ending both devastating and full of joy. The frame narrative is unexpected and serves ...

 I’ve been having a lot of nightmares recently. This isn’t abnormal for me. The week before my surgery, I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs. I don’t remember what the dream was, but it surely was due to the fact that I found out I was going to have surgery in a week and a half. I’ve had nightmares since I was a kid. My dad tells me a regret he has is that he didn’t write down my nightmares. They were full stories with vivid twists and turns. It’s probably why I don’t sleep well. The thing about all of my dreams is that they are hyper-realistic. My brain holds so much detail from real life and regurgitates it all back to me at night. I often wake up from dreams with a warped sense of reality. Did that happen or not? If I’m worried about something or starting a new job, I will have a nightmare about it. Anything that is the cause of an underlying sense of anxiousness in the daytime will play out through a nightmare. I feel like so much of my daytime energy is spent ...

                      I’m not very good at being gentle with myself. In the moments where I (wrongly) feel like I’ve disappointed other people, I am in my head going over every action and word I could have done and said differently. I will spin things out, making me my own villain every time.                 I’ve had myself convinced that I’m a bad friend, I’m a failure as a human being, a sorry excuse for an adult, a terrible teacher, and a daughter to be ashamed of. It is so horrible to see that written down, but I think it actually helps. I am not those things.                 Thoughts like those don’t just go away. It’s not as simple as “think positive” or “just think the opposite.” Sticky notes with mantras on my mirror aren’t going to help me. This is beyond self-c...

 A conversation you hear a lot is about surrounding yourself with people that will make you better. “You’re a mix of the five people you’re closest to” and “be the least intelligent in the room” are aims we’re told to live by. I have an amazing support system. My parents are incredible, my sister is my favourite person, Matt is my perfect balance, and my closest friends have stuck with me despite moving many times. However, some of the people that have made the biggest difference in my life are ones that I call my cheerleaders. These are the people who don’t play a massive role in your life. They’re on the outside of your inner circle, but you know they’re in your corner no matter what. Let me go through some examples. I’ve been going to my hairdresser for a long time now. She has seen me through some massive stages of my life. She knew me before Matt, she has met friends that are no longer in my life, and she has shared in my joy over starting my career. She knows me so we...

                 I was texting one of my friends this week and she said, “I feel like 2022 is going to be your year.” She might be right. I mean, so far so good. It’s eight days in, and I feel significantly better than I have in a while. A mixture of sleep over the holidays, a much-needed breakdown, and permission from my surgeon to do light exercise again has allowed me to enter this year with a lot more acceptance of where I’m at and motivation to get better.                 One of my favourite podcasts is Happier with Gretchen Rubin. Every year, her and her sister pick a one word them for the year. It’s never something I participated in in the past, but then came Yoga with Adriene’s 30 Day Yoga Journey.                 This year’s theme? Move. For some reason, this spoke to me. This year, I want to move.    ...

When I thought about writing this post, I thought about how to best show off my year. I wanted to do 21 things I did in 2021, but something about that feels off.  In all honesty, last year was hard for me. I told Matt this recently, and he was under the assumption that 2020 would have been worse. It wasn't.  Around this time last year, I was waiting to start therapy back up again. I was already in an emotional strained place. In February, I got injured. I lost all of my coping strategies. I was in pain, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't clean my room, and I couldn't ski. I didn't realize it until I was out of it, but it drove me into a five-month depressive episode.  I should have seen the signs. I had no motivation to do anything. I couldn't read, and I wasn't journaling - even when I started to feel better.  Fast forward to June, and my knee wasn't getting better. Then, I find out the extent to which I was actually injured and have to deal with that.  I...

                 One of my favourite posts I’ve ever written on here is the one where I wrote a love letter to each of my closest female friends. Friendship is something that means a lot to me. I haven’t always had friends in my life, and it’s not something I take for granted.                 Ultimately, I need my friends. They make be better. They inspire me. They show me how to live my life in different ways. I have made so many friends in different circumstances, and I am eternally grateful for all of them.                 I certainly haven’t made it easy to be friends with me. Moving to a different continent will most definitely challenge friendships. However, I’ve had friends visit me in England, keep me up to date on their lives sporadically, and stay strong with virtual wine nig...

 There are two days left until school starts, and I fully admit that I am not ready. I woke up early for a PD day on Thursday, and BOY was it a shock to my system. I also haven’t been in a classroom since March, and it feels intimidating to have to start in a new school. It feels like Grade 9 all over again! I’m starting this year on a long-term supply which I am entirely grateful for. However, this was not the case a year ago (or even two weeks ago). I’m from Ontario where permanent teaching jobs are few and far between. I’ll get there, but for now, I’m happy to have a job teaching English for a couple months. If you’re in the same position as me, I have some advice for you based on my experiences from last year. Enjoy! 1.        Network, network, network. Way back in the summer of August 2020, my dad kept telling me and my sister about networking. We joked that it was the word of week for a while. As it turns out, he was 100% correct. Because...

Hello everyone! It has been a long time since I’ve posted a book review post, so this is quite the list! I would say I’ve definitely been enjoying a lot which is lucky. I set out to read 60 books this year, and I’m currently sitting at 37. I’m hoping to get to 50 by the end of the summer which is entirely do-able. For now, please enjoy my last round of books. Long Way Down: The Graphic Novel – Jason Reynolds – 4.5 Stars I made a bit of a mistake on this one. I meant to request the physical copy of this book, but I ended up with the eBook version. I think the experience would have been so much better as a physical book since it was a graphic novel, but nevertheless, I loved this. This story told is tragic and heartbreaking. The images bring the story to life in such a vivid fashion. It is so well written and I love how it takes place in a single location. It emphasizes just how quickly lives can change. I highly suggest this one. The Finkler Question – Howard Jacobson – 3 Star...